Experience vs. Reality

I’ve been absolutely delighting in my latest discovery – my voice. I hadn’t ever really sung before last year, and so to give my music regular time and attention has been great. Lately, I’ve been hitting “record” on my computer (which takes sound from a mixing board into which my piano, mic, and guitar are plugged) and letting it rip.

I’ve really been enjoying experimenting with this new approach – I found that for the most part last year, I was VERY conscious of when I was recording myself. Given my intention to record an ablum this year, I figured I’d better get comfortable quickly. Furthermore, I’ve also had many occasions when I’ve been rehearsing and I’ll sing or play a song somewhat differently than I normally do. Serendipity weaving its marvelous magic. Before catch-all recording, I’d have to try to remember what I’d played. Now I can just go back and listen to it.

What has SUCKED about this process is going back and listening to the recordings. When I’m “performing” the song (I often close my eyes and imagine playing for audiences in many different venues – kinda like productive daydreaming. I get to rehearse the song AND imagine my music being heard by people all over the place), I love it. I absolutely love exploring the range and complexity of my voice. Every day it seems to grow stronger and I seem to have another slice of a percentage point of control. My practice has been to get out of my head when I’m singing, and to present the music from a place deep in my gut. When I do this it feels absolutely magical.

But when I go back to the recording and listen to those moments of magic – I’m crushed with disappointment. I’m off-key, my rhythm is anything BUT rhythmic. Often erratic. In spite of my enjoying the control and expanding my vocal range (four and a half octaves) I find that I’m often annoyed by the flourishes than I find they add to the music.

Most frustrating is the delta between the EXPERIENCE of my singing (“woah, listen to that! wow! I didn’t know I could do that! Oh, man, that feels so good!”) and the REALITY as reflected in the recordings the next day (“Ouch. Way flat there. Oh man, who’s playing the piano!? Uh… Huh?!”). The difference has been striking and aggrivating beyond belief. I feel like I can’t really trust my ears when I’m singing.

At the same time, I know I’m just rehearsing and exploring. I need to and want to continue doing that. But I’m just so impatient. I want to have an incredible voice and I want it now. I feel like I’m in puberty all over again.

“I hate being eighteen, I’m tired of waiting for life to let me go”

I keep waiting for the Big Release – that moment when it all comes together. Rationally and in just about every other way, I realize this is a life-long process. There will BE no “Big Release” when I finally feel I have everything I need. It will be a continuous layering of technical skills, creative flow and luck.

But I’m bigtime impatient. I feel like I’m making up for lost time, and while the success of the last year has been pretty phenomenal (I’ve sold hundreds of CD’s to people all around the world, have the basic infrastructure to support an independent music career, and wrote actual songs all in my first year) I still feel like there’s no time left.

Puberty still sucks.