I once fell in love with a girl from Alaska who taught me to chew tobacco.

I was hot for her from the minute I saw her. She had this amazing way of being captivatingly gorgeous and deliciously feminine while at the same time being one of the (rowdier and luder) boys. The same day we met, she used her tongue to make sure the snuff I’d just packed for the first time in my life was in its place in my mouth. At that moment, I fell in love and took her with me. Of course because of meeting me, she ended up breaking up with her boy, but couldn’t see me because it was “too confusing” and ended up getting married to a stunningly godlike rock-climber.

I haven’t chewed tobacco since.