Tearing Love Away…

So i’m gonna try to make weekly updates henceforth. The most major development this week was ending an over a year-long love affair. When I had my epiphany two years ago that I’m a songwriter, I was also clear that launching and developing a music career would not allow for the kind of space a full-on relationship would require. I took on that I’d be single for a good chunk of time, and that my capacity for deep, abiding love and commitment would be carefully sealed and remain untapped for a time.

Then I met a remarkable woman who happened to share my intention of staying “single” while still being open to exploring intimacy and connection. And it was wonderful. She was/is hot, smart, soulful, fun/funny, open and we share a fair number of compatibilities in our tastes, desires and preferences.

I spent the last 6-9 months conceiving and executing my plan for taking my music career to the next level (or rather, starting it!) and along the way, fell in love.

After the Big Show two weeks ago, I went through the expected post-partum depression and then started trying to figure out where to go/what to do next. Meanwhile the relationship had been put on the back burner for the weeks leading up to the show and it clearly needed attention. Most specifically, it felt like it needed a context or direction. All along we’d maintained our “singlehood” without really acknowledging our “relationship”. Things had gotten really close and sweet and difficult in the context of a super-busy, motivated and committed musician with the first of many Really Big Projects. The intensity of the Big Show seems to be part and parcel of being an artist.

In Producer Mode, I’d gotten entirely wrapped up in the details of the project, driving my overly-ambitious vision to completion learning many invaluable (and hard to swallow) lessons along the way. In the sudden-release state of suspension that followed the completion of the show, I tried to “figure it out” in my head – what/how/when? And then there was this relationship.

I spent most of the relationship trying to justify/manage my original mandate (go make music, wait for the mate) with my ever-deepening emotional situation. For a lot of it, things flowed, I was able to get both done. But it was always an intellectual struggle of enormous proportion and the path never seemed really clear. I could never really let myself fall into the relationship in part because of my own hesitancy as well as hers.

This was all coming to a head as the distance I’d created in focusing on my project was becoming increasingly difficult for a woman who was struggling with understanding her own needs and capacity for deep love and connection. Those mysterious forces which affect our lives in profound ways were shifting and, I think, we were both trying to find our footing in the midst of it all.

Finally, she needed to talk. In person. I couldn’t stay out late because I was recording the next day. It was wrenching. In that moment, I felt completely unable to satisfactorily deal with either of the competing priorities. A long and painful phone conversation later, she thought it best to break up. I half-heartedly agreed then pursuaded her to talk about it the next night. I hung up and couldn’t get anything done and could hardly sleep I was so in anguish about what to do.

In the midst of it, I had this insight that I’d always been in my head about it but had neglected to ask my heart what there was for me to do. In a short time of meditation, the answer came hard and clear. “Not now”. With that, I called her and cried my way to clarity. I learned a few things in the studio the next day and we got together afterwards to have a conversation that was as beautiful and loving as it was tragic and heartbreaking.

It was/is really challenging to trust my heart on this one. I go through periods of completely falling apart at the random memory of inside jokes, special moments, the things “I’ll never do again with her”.

And invariably, every time I let myself feel the heart connection tearing away and healing (poignant and beautiful in its perfection and in its pain), I feel the depth of the loss and then in an instant, feel the stabilization of trusting the mystery. The heaving just stops. I get that I have no choice, really, but to trust my heart, even when it leads me in a direction that hurts.

In a way, I allowed that connection to take root around my heart. Totally. Each incremental decision to spend the night or to work through a difficulty seemed in the moment the right thing to do, and it also was the sunlight and water to grow a really beautiful connection.

It’s been a rough week, and I’m sure not nearly as rough as it’s been for my lost lover. I feel the burden of hurting her in the act of following my heart. I know her well enough to know that she’s hurting, and it sucks not being able to be a comfort for her right now, about this. But I know that it’s for the Highest Good. I’m certain that one’s truthful heart always leads in that direction.

Nevertheless, it’s been a sad, confusing and ultimately really clear week. Heh. Clear but mournfully inactive.

The Semper Fi video is nearing completion, however, and I need to find some help in putting together a publicity/launch plan very soon. Memorial Day approacheth and I’m getting a better grip on launching projects with enough lead time. Granted, the video’s 6 months overdue (originally planned to release last Veteran’s Day…) So I guess maybe I’m not quite creating the lead time as much as inheriting it.

Anyway, more later…