I’ve been thinking alot about Memorial Day recently. In fact, I’ve been thinking about it for at least six months. I wanted to get Semper Fi out into the world in time for Memorial Day. Regardless of how well (or not) the video does, it’s having an impact, and the only time to send this one off IS Memorial Day. It’s the day we honor and mourn the men and women who died with a uniform on fighting for freedom.
It feels good, too, to be supporting veteran’s organizations who are fighting the good fight to support our troops. It’s all just kinda perfect.
I have some thoughts about Memorial Day I’m going to share after the fact. I’m going to spend time this weekend basking in freedom, contemplating both the gratitude and the outrage.
It’s just occurred to me that I’ve had two opportunities in the last 24 hours to potentially thank a veteran. Groups of older guys. I didn’t think to ask ’em at the time, but now I’m gonna be on the lookout. I encourage you to do the same. See how it feels, and lemme know.
Not Mark Your Reality, though I like the idea. In California, we like to invoke the phrase “Mercury in Retrograde” to explain/blame the seemingly cyclical tendency to experience problems with communications or modes of communication. “Technical Difficulty” is a non-astrological term for the same condition, but somehow, blaming a planet a few light minutes away feels more immediate – like there’s a funnel for the frustration to flow into. “The Dropsies” is a term I heard on the East Coast somewhere. Might have been in the east bay for all I remember. Same thing, though – that specific quality of non-specifc, recurring encumbrance. Static. When your computer hangs. Cell phones punt calls. A slight tension in communicating with people. I broke two pens today. My email’s bugging out. I’m feeling generally unsettled. And I blame Mercury, ’cause why not.
I am pleased say that the video for Semper Fi is now live as an internet-only preview. It’s “official” release is on Memorial Day, and plans for a video version are in the works. Check it out and pass it on.
In related news, I did an interview with the Orlando Sentinel for a story coming out on Sunday about the re-emergence of protest music. We’ll see how that turns out.
I’m strongly considering (in addition to coining the term) bifurblogging. I’m contemplating starting a politics commentary blog – one that will allow comments and such. Not that my opinion matters, per se. Just because I’m gonna go insane if I don’t start expressing my heartache, outrage and disbelief in a more direct, extemporaneous and hopefully informed way. Despite Tip O’Neil’s insightful catchphrase “All politics is personal”, I’m inclined to maintain a seperate channel for my politics. Kinda like Fox News for the RNC. Or something.
Oh. Here it is. “Polimedia – the intersection of politics and the media”. My college professor would be so proud…
So i’m gonna try to make weekly updates henceforth. The most major development this week was ending an over a year-long love affair. When I had my epiphany two years ago that I’m a songwriter, I was also clear that launching and developing a music career would not allow for the kind of space a full-on relationship would require. I took on that I’d be single for a good chunk of time, and that my capacity for deep, abiding love and commitment would be carefully sealed and remain untapped for a time.
Then I met a remarkable woman who happened to share my intention of staying “single” while still being open to exploring intimacy and connection. And it was wonderful. She was/is hot, smart, soulful, fun/funny, open and we share a fair number of compatibilities in our tastes, desires and preferences.
I spent the last 6-9 months conceiving and executing my plan for taking my music career to the next level (or rather, starting it!) and along the way, fell in love.
After the Big Show two weeks ago, I went through the expected post-partum depression and then started trying to figure out where to go/what to do next. Meanwhile the relationship had been put on the back burner for the weeks leading up to the show and it clearly needed attention. Most specifically, it felt like it needed a context or direction. All along we’d maintained our “singlehood” without really acknowledging our “relationship”. Things had gotten really close and sweet and difficult in the context of a super-busy, motivated and committed musician with the first of many Really Big Projects. The intensity of the Big Show seems to be part and parcel of being an artist.
In Producer Mode, I’d gotten entirely wrapped up in the details of the project, driving my overly-ambitious vision to completion learning many invaluable (and hard to swallow) lessons along the way. In the sudden-release state of suspension that followed the completion of the show, I tried to “figure it out” in my head – what/how/when? And then there was this relationship.
I spent most of the relationship trying to justify/manage my original mandate (go make music, wait for the mate) with my ever-deepening emotional situation. For a lot of it, things flowed, I was able to get both done. But it was always an intellectual struggle of enormous proportion and the path never seemed really clear. I could never really let myself fall into the relationship in part because of my own hesitancy as well as hers.
This was all coming to a head as the distance I’d created in focusing on my project was becoming increasingly difficult for a woman who was struggling with understanding her own needs and capacity for deep love and connection. Those mysterious forces which affect our lives in profound ways were shifting and, I think, we were both trying to find our footing in the midst of it all.
Finally, she needed to talk. In person. I couldn’t stay out late because I was recording the next day. It was wrenching. In that moment, I felt completely unable to satisfactorily deal with either of the competing priorities. A long and painful phone conversation later, she thought it best to break up. I half-heartedly agreed then pursuaded her to talk about it the next night. I hung up and couldn’t get anything done and could hardly sleep I was so in anguish about what to do.
In the midst of it, I had this insight that I’d always been in my head about it but had neglected to ask my heart what there was for me to do. In a short time of meditation, the answer came hard and clear. “Not now”. With that, I called her and cried my way to clarity. I learned a few things in the studio the next day and we got together afterwards to have a conversation that was as beautiful and loving as it was tragic and heartbreaking.
It was/is really challenging to trust my heart on this one. I go through periods of completely falling apart at the random memory of inside jokes, special moments, the things “I’ll never do again with her”.
And invariably, every time I let myself feel the heart connection tearing away and healing (poignant and beautiful in its perfection and in its pain), I feel the depth of the loss and then in an instant, feel the stabilization of trusting the mystery. The heaving just stops. I get that I have no choice, really, but to trust my heart, even when it leads me in a direction that hurts.
In a way, I allowed that connection to take root around my heart. Totally. Each incremental decision to spend the night or to work through a difficulty seemed in the moment the right thing to do, and it also was the sunlight and water to grow a really beautiful connection.
It’s been a rough week, and I’m sure not nearly as rough as it’s been for my lost lover. I feel the burden of hurting her in the act of following my heart. I know her well enough to know that she’s hurting, and it sucks not being able to be a comfort for her right now, about this. But I know that it’s for the Highest Good. I’m certain that one’s truthful heart always leads in that direction.
Nevertheless, it’s been a sad, confusing and ultimately really clear week. Heh. Clear but mournfully inactive.
The Semper Fi video is nearing completion, however, and I need to find some help in putting together a publicity/launch plan very soon. Memorial Day approacheth and I’m getting a better grip on launching projects with enough lead time. Granted, the video’s 6 months overdue (originally planned to release last Veteran’s Day…) So I guess maybe I’m not quite creating the lead time as much as inheriting it.
Y’know after you turn off your computer and it whirs to a stop. And then it sits there in silence until sometime later you hit the on button, and there’s maybe a beep and the sound of your hard disk spinning up? That’s kinda the sound in my brain right now.
I did it. Project “Get My Act Together” (click to download the PowerPoint presentation I did during the first set.) is complete and a huge success, in my estimation. I stepped forward a year ago to generate the materials I needed to show up in the world as a professional musician.
Nine distinct deliverables including a new website, demo, press kit, and last Friday’s “Lights Out On Broadway” show. An epic night that is still being played back in 5 second snippets in my mind.
My triple debut was attended by 204 people. First time with a band, first public performance of my next video “(I Know Why You’re) Semper Fi”, and the first public performance of the project immediately following “Semper Fi,” a song called “Missing”.
I definitely learned a lot about taking too much on. While it all went off and I’ve been getting all kinds of great feedback, one of the things I’m clear about is that I took too much on. Video recording, multi-track audio recording, lighting, projection, powerpoints AND rehearsing my first-ever band a mere 4 weeks (finding the bass player was hard!!!)… too much. Francesca at the Broadway Studios had a much more rock-n-roll appropriate way of putting it, but I won’t repeat it here…
Anyway, I’m kinda over myself now – I had my big moment in the spotlight and now I’m feeling like what I really, really want to do is find a hole-in-the-wall joint with a piano and microphone and play a couple hours every week. I don’t care if it’s 4 o’clock on Tuesdays to one half-conscious drunk and a bored bartender.
I’ll have pics and videos this weekend, maybe. I haven’t looked at ’em yet, and if they’re presentable, I’ll post ’em. Bear in mind – first big show…
Getting ready to launch “Semper Fi” in the next couple of weeks. I’m chilling (I think) this weekend (I’m starting to get psyched about cranking on Semper Fi stuff in my supposedly “all-to-myself-weekend-off’), then gonna start shit up on Monday. I want to have the video well out into the world by Memorial Day.
Y’know after you turn off your computer and it whirs to a stop. And then it sits there in silence until sometime later you hit the on button, and there’s maybe a beep and the sound of your hard disk spinning up? That’s kinda the sound in my brain right now.
I did it. Project “Get My Act Together” (click to download the PowerPoint presentation I did during the first set.) is complete and a huge success, in my estimation. I stepped forward a year ago to generate the materials I needed to show up in the world as a professional musician.
Nine distinct deliverables including a new website, demo, press kit, and last Friday’s “Lights Out On Broadway” show. An epic night that is still being played back in 5 second snippets in my mind.
My triple debut was attended by 204 people. First time with a band, first public performance of my next video “(I Know Why You’re) Semper Fi”, and the first public performance of the project immediately following “Semper Fi,” a song called “Missing”.
I definitely learned a lot about taking too much on. While it all went off and I’ve been getting all kinds of great feedback, one of the things I’m clear about is that I took too much on. Video recording, multi-track audio recording, lighting, projection, powerpoints AND rehearsing my first-ever band a mere 4 weeks (finding the bass player was hard!!!)… too much. Francesca at the Broadway Studios had a much more rock-n-roll appropriate way of putting it, but I won’t repeat it here…
Anyway, I’m kinda over myself now – I had my big moment in the spotlight and now I’m feeling like what I really, really want to do is find a hole-in-the-wall joint with a piano and microphone and play a couple hours every week. I don’t care if it’s 4 o’clock on Tuesdays to one half-conscious drunk and a bored bartender.
I’ll have pics and videos this weekend, maybe. I haven’t looked at ’em yet, and if they’re presentable, I’ll post ’em. Bear in mind – first big show…
Getting ready to launch “Semper Fi” in the next couple of weeks. I’m chilling (I think) this weekend (I’m starting to get psyched about cranking on Semper Fi stuff in my supposedly “all-to-myself-weekend-off’), then gonna start shit up on Monday. I want to have the video well out into the world by Memorial Day.
goes in… goes out…. the bay is swollen with life, then drained. Then swollen again, all in phase with the passing of the moon. Such is life, too, huh? Sometimes I’m feeling totally strapped and stressed, and then some time later, I’m feeling abundance, gratitutde and excitement. Sometimes in the same day.
In the last few months, I’ve taken on a project I’m calling “Getting My Act Together”. I don’t remember if I’ve written about it. It’s basically developing the materials I need to show up in the world as a professional musician. New website, media kit, demo/album, etc.. The show on the 24th is the culmination of this project.
It’s been a huge undertaking, and I’m definitely living on my edge. Almost every day I’m being challenged (and blessed) in one way or another. Today’s challenge is not allowing the fact that I don’t have a bass player committed to the project overwhelm me. And letting go of feeling like I’m not doing enough to get this really, really, really important puzzle piece located and locked down. I’m also feeling challenged by not having enough cycles to rehearse as much as I should. I know that to be “great” at anything takes daily discipline. And lately, I’ve literally not had the time or energy. I’ve worked 300% more hours in the last 4 weeks than my average. As an hourly employee, that’s great – I’m making a good nut (to finance production expenses, no doubt), but I’m also a) not getting enough sleep (thereby putting my back at risk for tweakin’ on me – a very undesirable thing at this or any point), and b) completely exhausted (like fall asleep when I sit down to check email at the end of the day at midnight or so). More opportunity to “let go” and do the best I can. In a way, it all feels perfect. Rain’s comin’, which’ll mean I’ll have little work to do EXCEPT rehearse.
got off work a few hours early (my first break in two weeks) and spent the afternoon de-cluttering from a few weeks of intense schedule, played a little, wrote a little, found two very hot bass leads, got a guitarist I’m itching to play with commit to coming to rehearsal on Saturday, and generally got things organized.
I’m still running at top speed, but it feels good to have had a few hours to take care of the background/environment around me such that I’m not living/writing amidst clutter and the remnants of an extremely busy life lately.
Couldn’t wait any longer to get the new site up and running. Hope you like. Some brief notes, since I’m spent and still have a ton to do tonight. Booked a huge show last week for 3/24 in San Francisco. I’m planning on selling out 400 seats. I had my first panic-nightmare last night, too. I dreamt of arriving at a huge auditorium filled with a thousand people or so, who were all there to see me. Only they came a month early and I didn’t have a band and hadn’t rehearsed. I was stressin.
Other notes: I think I figured out the source of the last 3 weeks of allergy misery. I took apart the forced-air heater and found that the air filter was totally clogged with dust and crap. I bagged it, bought an “ultra-allergen” filter and did a bunch of home improvement installation magic on it (the heater in my apt was kinda rigged – they installed in on a platform built in a kitchen closet, and just cut out a hole for the air intake. The filter that was in it was blowing all over the place. It makes my eyes sting just to think about it.)
Anyway, I went on a cleaning spree afterwards and I haven’t had the daily attack of running nose, watering eyes, sneezing and general respiratory misery. I’m pretty relieved, considering I was going to try accupuncture next, (I’ve spent probly $80 on dayquil, claritin and pseudophed this month) and accupuncture points for allergies are (Whaddya know!?) on the face. I’m just not to keen on needles near my eyes. Call me crazy.
So yeah, I got the new design implemented. I’m looking to audition musicians for the 3.24 gig, so I’m glad to have it up, finally. Just wish I weren’t so totally exhausted.
When I first started writing songs last year (it was actually in 2004, but 2005 was such a gonner for me, I’m just gonna skip it), I did an exercise that really made a big difference in opening up my writing space. One of my best friends, Michael, returned recently from a 10 day Vipassina retreat, which for Mr. Fidget was a feat, to be sure. Anyway, he reminded me about this exercise, and since I’m making another creative push this year to write more songs, I thought I’d dust it off and give it a whirl.
I have a really hard time keeping to a disciplined daily practice of ANYTHING, except perhaps, sipping some Martinelli’s Apple Juice before I go to bed. I guess there’s a distinction between disipline and habit. I digress.
So this morning I was flopping around in bed (well before my alarms were due to strike) and thought I should do the exercise. It’s basically writing for 15 minutes exactly. Not a minute more. The idea is that it’s just enough time to get into the writing space and not enough time to get frustrated by it. In fact, it’s designed to leave you wanting to go back and write more. But you don’t.
So I’m gonna try to do this first thing in the mornings. I have a feeling it’s gonna open some stuff up. I’m already STOKED for Oh-Six and there are beatiful little buds of songs sprouting up already.
So this morning (for SOME reason), coffee was on my mind and was nominated (like the kid pushed out of the pack for a classroom exercise) as the topic. Here’s the result:
Coffee in 15 minutes ————————————– Dancing with the delicate Half fiend and half angellic, it Raises my accuity as it races through my veins Like trains, unstoppable Pulling my lethargy along like a tumbling Burlap bag of cotton and feathers. Strewn with not so much neglect as intent Sips from the black boiler tossed into mine To stir and rouse the sleeping giant Steam shouts and whines and rises Like smoke from a distant fire A whistle blows and then a lurch The clanking cars of consciousness Begin to roll into the long day.
I dipped the slender wooden stick, barely thick enough to stay erect into the piping hot Peets coffee. I’d gone well out of my way to make the Peet stop. Starbucks, despite its