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1. Last Words…

   October 18, 2004 11:04 am Leave a Comment

   We just had a little minor electrical fire, which in and of itself is not a big deal, per se. I was awake at 2 in the morning when I kept hearing this popping noise which from across the apartment sounded like a small animal knocking something over outside. A few minutes later, the popping continued, and occasionally the lights would dim. After a couple pop/dims I got the clue and started investigating. Went into the bathroom, hearing a buzzing sound as if coming from inside conduit. I see and smell smoke coming out ouf the outlet. Run downstairs, trace the conduit out of the bathroom, down the outside wall and back into the building, right next to a door. Conduit is hot. I kick in the door (my roommate, whose room is directly above all this slept peacefully) and disconnect the wire. In attempting to do so, a giant arc of sparks pops and some lights go out. Smoke has stopped. Buzzing has stopped. I call the FD, ’cause i’m not an electrician. They come out, sirens blazing into a silent neighborhood. They check it out, give me the thumbs up.

   I start to feel uncomfortable – mostly a mix of adrenaline rush and being pissed off. The landlord had another property that burned down because of faulty wiring. I realized tonight we don’t have smoke detectors in our place, so I’m a little uneasy about going back to sleep. Felt like I needed to say something to the world before going to sleep. That bit of thought spawned a more meta thread of thinking: If you had one thing to say to the world before you died, what would it be? I should mention that I”m not at all worried about dying or anything like that. I WILL say that I’m still a little jittery from the adrenaline rush, and I AM concerned that we don’t have fire alarms (we will when my tennant’s attorney roommate does his part in dealing with this). But the breaker’s off (although there’s a cab driver who lives upstairs who I’ve seen drunk more than once) with a big sign on it saying FIRE HAZARD and the FD said it’s all cool.

   I had a moment of feeling very close to God tonight. I just felt so grateful that I was awake and heard the noise. I connected with how excited I am about my life, and how I feel like I’m making a difference in the world.

   Without the smoke detectors and given the landlord’s track record, I dunno… Coulda not been good. So I’m whelming up with all this gratitude, and I feel how close to God I feel. How appreciative I am and how mysterious and non-physical the experience of God was at that moment. And I really wished that I could relate to God like I can another human. To see, to touch, to smell and hold and joke around with. And as I was thinking that, I “thought”… “You do all the time!” And I flashed to all my friends and the feeling of connection I have with them and the hope and inspiration I feel around most people.

   Anyway, now I’m too tired to worry about smoke detectors, much less think of what MY last words would be. I’m just gonna go with feeling satisfied that I’m living my life playing full-out and with integrity and that I’ve done everything I can do to make the world a better place. If it all ended tonight, I’d be content. I guess you can’t beat going to sleep feeling that way.

2. Foundation Set

   October 15, 2004 9:45 am Leave a Comment

   Well, a major hurdle was hurdled today. Actually, an entire race in the decathalon of this song’s life. Earlier this week, my only major bandwidth donor started to get cautious about the amount of traffic I was generating for him. He suggested he’d need to cut out if it got much more intense. Which it did. Fortunately, he hung in there, while I spent the last 3 days solid lining up bandwidth options, and architecting a scalable, distributed network. My longtime friend and co-conspirator Ralfeboy agreed today to hook me up with all the technical stuff I’ve been doing lately (building database-driven webpages, forms, email responders, not to mention getting the network piece wrangled) so I can concentrate on creating the biggest impact I can with this song before the election.

   Things have really come together, and I feel like I’m ready to start building on the foundation. I can handle up to a million viewers in the next few weeks, and I can easily add new servers to the network. It’s brilliant, Ralph.

   From here, I’m concentrating on rehearsing and generating a tour possibility. some very exciting things are looming, not the least of which is a pitch to Michael Moore to join him on tour. I can’t think of a better fit, really. He’s speaking at colleges and rallies, talking to the “slackers”. My kinda people… Hackers and slackers.

   Anyway, the question of the day is “Why Not?” A year ago, I was exaspirated at not having found a purpose. I felt lost and empty. Not to mention completely alienated, powerless and pissed off by the way things went after 9/11. So to have thousands of people listening every day to a song that still makes ME cry is…. unbelievable. And at the same time, I’m generating this – I’m working my ass off, playing a 100% game. So in that paradox of disbelief, mystery and the unknown contrasted with the output and impact of my creation, I can’t help but ask “Why not?”

   So “Why Not?” go on tour with Michael Moore? “Why Not?” Have a million people listen to my song?

   After all, it’s just a game. And win or lose, I know I’m playing full out, and in so doing, I’m inspiring people around me, and opening hearts in the world.

   Life doesn’t get much better than this, and yet…

3. Family Ties

   October 12, 2004 5:46 am Leave a Comment

   I just hit send on an email to my family, which was kind of a first. I shared the Unamerican flash movie with them, even though it’s been almost a month exactly since I released it. I’d been percolating on sending that email, and it finally popped tonight. I don’t know what brought it about, but it was time.

   I’ve been hesitant about sharing it with them – they are for the most part, a fundamentalist evangelical, conservative family. When I told my mom I was going to the DNC, she stressed, “Well, I hope you don’t get any pictures taken with Kerry and Edwards. Those two are just terrible.” or something like that. My brother started a blog, which actually, I’m quite proud of, even though I think he’s barking up the wrong tree.

   Not to get off on too much of a tangent, but the whole “Liberal media telling me how to live my life” thing misses a much larger concern – “corporations (which care about one thing only – profit) are running the entire show”. I started to try to share my opinion on the site, but found it was really time consuming and I’ve got things that feel much more pressing to me. even though I wanted to support him by engaging him on his site.

   Anyway (saving that tangent for later), it felt good to share myself with my family and to stop hiding out. It’s not that I consider myself a liberal and them a conservative. I just use different language to describe the same experiences, and I think that gets to be troublesome for my family and thus for me. It also felt really great to acknowledge my love for them, and the constant, deep and abiding love I feel from each of them whenever we’re together or talking on the phone or whatever.

   the keyword for me lately is paradox. On the one hand, that email felt like a release. And at the same time, it felt like a huge deepening to be sharing myself with them.

   And another really important factor is that I really want people to send the film to their conservative families. How can that REALLY happen when I haven’t cleared the way in my own family? I’m already seeing people sharing it in their classrooms and churches all around the world. But as of a few minutes ago, my family’s going to hear it from me.

4. Taking flight

   October 7, 2004 11:10 pm Leave a Comment

   I feel like I’m in a scene in a movie which may or may not have been made (my life very often takes on a certain cinematic quality that has me marvel at its elegant perfection) where I’m walking and a sense of weightlessness starts to well up inside me. I imagine I’m walking along a gravel country road and the crunch of my feet starts to get softer and softer until my feet aren’t touching the ground any more.

   The success of the Unamerican song has been amazing, especially in light of a very different way of being that I’ve adopted this year. In the past, I would do my best to envision all the possible scenarios, plan contingencies, and start working against a plan. This year, I’ve been doing a lot of listening to my gut and doing what there is to do in the moment. I don’t have a master plan. I don’t have trajectory, per se. At the same time, I’ve never felt more aligned with a divine plan for my life, and fulfilling my purpose. I do have my moments of doubt or fear which arise like gusts of unseasonably warm air – sudden changes in the air pressure that keeps me afloat.

   They have the effect (in this imagined metaphor of flying) of causing me to rapidly lose alititude. Kinda like Charlie and Uncle Joe in the Fizzy Lifting Drinks, but not exactly. I feel like I”m *supposed* to be flying. I feel like everything’s perfect just the way it is, and that I’m doing a good job of listening for guidance and direction. I guess maybe I’m just learning to fly.

   The moment this all got clear to me was this afternoon when I checked the site traffic. The growth curve of the site looks like the dot-com Hockey Stick Of Growth. Flat for a while, then up. And up. And up. (Hence the sense of weightlessness). I know that it’s not a sustainable growth pattern, and that at some point, it needs to come down. I had a weaker day of growth yesterday, and was starting to worry that I’d peaked. (the warm rush of air). I felt myself falling back to earth when I realized that I AM doing everything I can, and that I’m working as hard as I can, and that’s all I can do. If the Universe wants this song to be heard far and wide, and if God wants me to be onstage singing my heart and soul out, then it’ll happen and I don’t need to worry about it.

   It’s a practice – non-worrying. I think alot of it relies heavily on feeling like I am doing everything I can and that my music is a fulfillment of my purpose.

   I have no idea what lies ahead for me. My dream and heart’s desire is twofold: to play a role in the great awakening that’s occuring in the world, and to make a living sufficient to support a family from my music. But I’m willing to do anything in service to the world. My heart and arms are open. I’m leaning into the mystery and am absolutely LOVING the weightlessness. And I’m just getting used to the sudden dips. i think I might even learn to enjoy them soon.

5. Family Values

   September 26, 2004 5:25 pm Leave a Comment

   I’m in LA, had a great time with family last night. I got to meet a couple of nephews for the first time, see sisters and a brother I’ve not seen in over a year AND fell in love with the children of my sister and brother. We had such a great time playing and hanging around. It felt SO good to be connected to my family. The way I was raised didn’t really have me feeling like an equal member of the family. So it was a delight to feel so close to people I love dearly.

   The music was really well received. Surprisingly so. I think, given the fundamentalist home I grew up in, I have had it that the entire family is died-in-the-wool Republican and pro-war. Certainly a number of people in my family are or have been in the military (myself included). And it may be so that they ARE republican and pro-war. But I’ve been so impressed and moved by how open they’ve been to my music.

   See, I grew up with this disconnected sense of family. My stepdad had special rules for me which were pretty restrictive. I should make it clear that I’ve totally forgiven him (a long time ago, in fact) and that I love him for everything. I believe he didn’t really know better, and was acting through a period of extreme stress and we both learned and grew a lot from the experience, I think. He’s a great dad (and always has been) to his children, and I appreciate and value the love he has for them and for me, too. I feel it. Anyway…

   One of the things I love about my family is that it’s so diverse. We have black, hispanic and caucasian members of our family and despite our differing views, the love is still very much there. It has been a while since I’ve spent time with them, and it was a really wonderful reminder about the love of family.

   I have friends who have a very broken relationship with their families and I feel incredibly lucky even though the way I grew up was not the way I’d choose, and will CERTAINLY NOT look ANYTHING like the way I’ll raise my kids. But to have feel the love of brothers and sisters and to rest in it… that’s priceless.

6. Weightless Parabolas

   September 22, 2004 9:39 pm Leave a Comment

   I was reading about a friend of a friend, Xeni, who’s managed to become something of an internet celebrity. She’s an editor of BoingBoing, a collectively updated stream of cool and interesting things on the net. Anyway, Xeni’s big story lately was getting ready to fly in one of those parabolic flight patterns that result in periods of weightlessness. A guy I went to a birthday party in Brazil with a few years ago is CEO of Zero Gravity, a company that’s essentially a very expensive roller coaster ride. Anyway, I’ve been following Xeni’s preparations for her trip to weightlessness and am struck by the similarity to my recent work. (see The Flash Movie for “Unamerican”)

   Last Friday, I launched a flash music video for “Unamerican”. As of right now, it’s getting about 25 views an hour, and I’m gonna cross a thousand in the next hour or so. I’m completely blown away and feel such peace from having released something that I believe speaks to a LOT of people. We shall see.

   Since then, Life has had a particularly surreal quality about it. I get two or three emails a day from people who say they’ve been moved to tears by the song and the film. It’s incredibly gratifying. I worked pretty much non-stop to get that thing out, and now that it’s out there, it feels kinda like being weightless.

   I’ve got more to say about the song, and the possibility it represents, and I’ll be posting that on the Unamerican site in the next day or so…

7. Harder, Faster or How I Came To Love Google

   September 14, 2004 8:23 am Leave a Comment

   I think I’ve looked at every image from the protests that are available online. At least, at indymedia.org and google images (far from comprehensive, but a powerful tool nonetheless). Seriously, In the last 4 weeks, I’ve probably looked at 10,000 or more images. I’ve been working on releasing the Flash movie for Unamerican, and have been workign seriously, harder and longer (and sometimes faster) on the movie.

   the collaboration with Eddie has been amazing. I totally respect not only his opinion, but the space he creates and allows IN the process. It’s just been awesome working with him on a project we’re both very proud of.

   Anyway, we’ve been working hard to get this out. As we got into last week, i started to think we could race to the 11’th to launch, but as midnight of that somber anniversary dawned, it was clear that there was still work to be done, and that having the anniversary in the background of my day as I work on creating this was perfect.

   I wanted to fold in the tears I cried Saturday as I thought of the families who lost their loved ones on 911. And the families who are losing loved ones now, both American families and Iraqi families as well. I thought about how that day changed my life, and I thought about the list of things I REALLY needed to focus on for the Film.

   Anyway, I’ve been busting my ass. If you’re a regular viewer of The Story Thus Far… then hopefully you’ll get a sneak peak of what I’m talking aout here.

   http://www.sharedvoice.org/unamerican/

8. Keep it peaceful

   August 28, 2004 6:34 pm Leave a Comment

   “”Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.” – Martin Luther King.

   Last night, Critial Mass, a monthly bicycle ride through urban streets (which has been happening in San Francisco for probly a decade and in New York for 4 years) was busted by the police. The event, In a frightening foreshadowing the looming protests in New York, demonstrated the tensions between protesters and the police.

   From the Village Voice:
   
   “The ride ended outside St. Marks Church, in the East Village, and police in riot gear waded into the packed street, toppling to the ground one young biker who wailed in pain as they bent his arms behind his back for handcuffing. The crowd surged and a moving scrum broke out between police and demonstrators seeking to free the man. Police scooters plowed through the crowd, knocking into more bikers, prompting violent scuffles as a beat cop swung his baton menacingly, waving the crowds back.”

   Although the ride’s been happening every month for 4 years, the police cracked down, and somewhat hard (the police passed out fliers at the beginning of the ride warning that people would be arrested for traffic violations, but since when is traffic enforcement done in riot gear? Clearly the police are getting ready for the million+ people coming to protest the RNC) The police are obviously and understandably nervous. The City is about to experience an unprecidented influx of protesters with no where to go, really. This week will certainly challenge (and hopefully strengthen rather than diminish) the right to peaceful assembly, but only if the assembly is peaceful.

   The grave concern is the possibility of the protests being prematurely stirred by nefarious forces. In all the demonstrations and gatherings I’ve been to, (even the anarchists in Boston Commons), the people were peaceful and mindful of the reasonable limitations on free speech and assembly. And certainly, the protesters represent a healthy cross-section of Americans: the elderly, young, female, male, ethnic… they’re all there. I’ll have my eyes peeled on NYC this week, that’s for sure.

   I’m on the fence about going to Burning Man. I’m going to make the call next week, and crank on getting things ready to release the flash movie. I’m not leaving until things are rock solid.

   More later

9. No Fly Zone

   August 20, 2004 8:02 am Leave a Comment

   I’ve decided not to go to New York just yet. It’s clear to me that I need to get the Flash presentation done by the RNC. Feels like going to Manhattan during such a passionate time and trying to line up ad-hoc gigs in the middle of a security lockdown is not the best use of my time, nor does it result in “maximizing positive impact”. 😉

   It’s also REALLY clear to me that this is the time for the Flash presentation to happen. I was stressing that I had tried to get it to happen for hte July 4 release of the song, and complications have left very little actual devleopment oging on in the meantime.

   But there’s going to be a lot of attention on the protests this convention, especially if something (please, Lord, no) goes awry. I think about the Democratic Convention, and how even with breakaway protests, there were only a few arrests and injuries. But this is the Republicans. A friend recently told me the difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Dem’s are lovers and the Republicans are fighters. While we sit around and talk about foreign policy over pints, they’re fighting. And I don’t mean in the Iraq-war-soldier kinda way. I mean, the Republicans (Rove, et al) really strike me as a bunch of meanspirited, manipulative, win-at-all-costs kind of people. I don’t like people like that.

   I will also say that I’ve never met the men, and they may well be charming and delightful people. But something tells me that there’s a lot more than meets the eye wth this administration and its advisors. I also think the Democrats have their share of win-at-all-costs operatives, too. Some pretty crazy accusations floating around lately…

   Anyway, my point is that it feels like the timing is right to get this thing out there. I wrote to a friend that it appears God is teaching me a couple of corollary lessons: 1) Everything happens in its time and 2) I’m an impatient guy. Go figure.

   So that’s my plan, and I”m sticking to it.

10. I’m not an 3lit3, d00d.

    August 19, 2004 6:21 pm Leave a Comment

    Seems I’ve traded one mental block for another. The more I put into my music, the less capacity I seem to have for dealing with technology. (Either that, or Mercury’s retrograde has gone warp speed or something). I’ve spent all day trying to get my technology to work: setting up webservers, transfering domains, installing software, setting up PacBell DSL.

    I used to be pretty tech savvy, but lately, my eyes have been glazing over when I look at getting web tools set up, for instance. I used to write them by hand, and now clicking a button that launches an installation script overwhelms me. (“Does it have the right features?”, “What does THAT mean?” “Which of these 14 webmail clients should I install?”, etc..) I can’t even manage to compare featuresets anymore. It’s like my brain has severe RSI. I’ve been reduced to a shrivel who can barely use a mouse. Sad.

    I’ll take songwriting to hacking code, anyday, though.

    ‘Cause, really. I’m a hack. Not a hack*3r*, but hack. I’m clueless and I admit it. I’ve always had an inner geek, but when it comes to slingin’ code, I ‘ve seen some AMAZING programmers, and I ain’t. nor ever was, one of them. And to my credit, I never claimed to be. I just managed a few and collaborated with others. Only knew one legit hacker, tho. Whitehat in Manhattan. Very cool dude, that one, and he SERIOUSLY saved my ass at a VERY critical moment in my career. I tip my 128 to my h0m3y. Hope he hasn’t gotten stabbed playing with swords in the park, as he was often wont to do. Geeks, man. (Another friend who had the skillz but built shit instead of breaking in said once he was a retro coder, cause he loved to program modern webtools in this really old language used for mainframe user interfaces. Geeks With Style.)

    My skillz never came close to all that. It’s just that I got away with making some cool shit work back in the day. (like web-controlled remote video cameras, and simoultaneous multiple webcasts and a very smart and personable home, whose voice was named “Sandy” not “Hal5000”). My hiring manager at Apple said years later that one of the cool things about working at Apple was getting to spend so much money on making cool shit. He runs a tight ship now as an entrepreneur, though, and has seriously weathered the jetwash from the bursting of the bubble.

    It wasn’t necessarily pretty nor was it very sophisticated, but I thought it was cool being able to email my home from a pager and turn on my bedwarmer when I was comin home. All about the Applescript and the X-10, d00d.

    Anyway, my Point: I haven’t (taken the time or bothered to have) figured out how to setup archiving on Blogger. So if you’re a blogger lookin at this thinkin “What a dweeb, man, his posts just go on and on…” Well… get off my back and listen to one of my songs.